Stupid Stories

Starbucks Trying To Save The Government... Idiots.

Last Edited: 2013-10-11 21:19:06

Before I noted that Starbucks donates a nickel for every bottle of water you buy and donate it to bring "safe clean water to coffee growing communities" like it's some sort of human loving philanthropy. Really. Gonna keep the cheap labor alive to grow coffee beans to sell coffee at 300% markup!! You're no saint.

But I digress. Even with that now they have a Starbucks petition to the government. Stated in what my mind puts in a shaky Kennedy like voice "our voice will be heard!!"

Let's look at the list of demands to press on the American government. Seriously, who wrote these? Must have been a high ranking official like Captain Obvious.

reopen the government to serve the people

First problem with that is telling the largest stereotypically lazy group of employees to get back to work. Because the criminals in congress are still fillabustering so that's money well spent. And to serve the people. Tokens? Tickets to attractions? Well I'm guessing there are some important offices closed that's jamming up a lot of non essential people (word order!! Sorry) but I just heard the Grand Canyon is opening back up soon and thank goodness! I gotta get me some gigantic nature hole!!

In all reality, I'm sure the Starbucks PR department thought it would look good if they supported the government supporting people. Silly. The government is a business just like Starbucks. They keep all the good money for themselves.

pay our debts on time to avoid another financial crisis

That's pretty easy for Starbucks to demand as they could probably pay off the national debt and still have a good Christmas. But I'm thinking that greed may have something to do with our current financial climate. Maybe we should get the rich people to all pitch in and pay those debts. Starbucks pitching in? Nope. But they're taking names. Good for you!!!

pass a blah blah budget deal by the end of the year

If it were only as easy as fleecing people with shots of espresso. I'm sure they're thinking you an buy really cheap things like coffee beans made outside of the country, ship that crap in, and sell it for an arm and a leg. Problem solved.

Well I could imagine that there's a hippie out there in Seattle stoned pink to see their list of demands in every Starbucks in the country. I wish you luck but I could imagine that they will have some shredding to do of all those trees they killed to make the paper for you to sign to ask the government to fix their problems.. Who needs trees. Serve us government!